this will be my last entry on this blog... i've created another blog and it will only be opened to my close friends.. so if u think u r considered my close fren.. come find me.. i'll let ya know the address... but please do not link me.. cuz i dun wan blog-hoppers to find my blog... =) thanks..
anyway... will be going off for the chalet quite soon.. will be back on sunday night i guess. i'll miss my bed. hehes. going town with elin and jasmine later.. elin needs to get some presents and asked me to pick my own.. wahahaha... presents.. i love presents. =)
anyway.. kinda cleared things up with him ytd. =) so i guess i feel better and sour. lols. 50:50 la. haha. this kinda things.. i'll hav to learn to stand up on my own.. after i've fallen.. or else i'll always be the same.. i'll nv learn to become a better person.. if i dun take things easy, i would have committed suicide long time ago. =pPp dun wry ppl, im not tt dumb to commit suicide cuz of him. i still wanna carry living de. =)
was reading my entries from the previous year.. and he asked me a question..
"who changed u?"
nice question, but i dunno the answer either.. lols.. i actually tot that it was him who changed me.. cuz.. if any of u read my entries from last year, i would actually get depressed, cry and do all sorts of mad things when he didnt reply my sms. lol. it's only a sms. and i could be that mad. lols. i dunno how to put it in words. but for now, i guess he is the one who made me learn. =) cuz of his 'coldness' towards me.. how he could simply ignore my sms and make me plunge into depression.. so i guess i kinda learn from all these.. =) thats my answer to the question. hehe.
for him.
now that u know i have a blog, and that u've read my entries. be it me scolding u in my entries or u can see how mad i used to be.. perhaps if u really read them, u would see that it's not me, unwilling to let go. it's that i can't bear to let go. perhaps one day i will let go of u, when i've someone. but for now, i still love u. =) these four days have been short, but meaningful for me. =) from the moment u said that sentence, till ytd we cleared things up, everything's been here and over quickly. i've a few words of 'advice' for u. from my point of view that is.
dun always put urself down, saying that u're not a gd guy. no one is perfect, hence if u think u're not a gd guy, then wads the defination of one? perhaps in ur eyes u think u r a jerk who breaks other girls' hearts. but in their eyes perhaps u r the perfect one. just like in mine. =) i wouldn't say that u're a gd guy, neither would i say u're a bad guy. i admit i used to think u're a jerk. cuz of certain things which took place.
but since this year onwards, things been really great.. though im not sure if u already found out tt i like u long ago, or was it until recently. anyway, it's been really nice being with u. and i mean going out. lols. u've been a great friend and gave me encouragement whenever i feel down.. see? u ain't that useless or lousy afterall. =) at least u're a great friend.
think abt wad i've said in the email.. abt maintaining the feelings.. yup.. hope tt u'll find someone soon.. dun keep urself away cuz u THINK u're a bad guy.. =) take care.. love u loads.
just woke up at around 3pm.. lol.. cuz i slept late last night. lols. not really late la. but i got home late.. reached home at ard 1.30am..
been out with huimei for shopping. got vanni a present.. hehes.. =) and huimei bought me a bag. huimei bought her fren a shirt too.. =) left huimei and her sis at bugis at ard 7pm.. went down to bishan to check out the timeslots for the movie.. didnt have any good seats so i went down to jubilee.. and as usual, they always had seats. lols. or is it my luck? haha. wadever..
ming kai came soon after i bought the tickets.. and we went to popular and i got some nice paper to make sth for jasmine.. =) went in for the movie at around 9pm. damn.. i shouldn't have wore a skirt ytd.. so damn cold. but i was acting strong. when he asked if i was cold. lols. yeah i was freezing.. he lent me his jacket and he himself was freezing. -_-!! we were like pushing the jacket to each other and in the end both decided not to take it. hahaha.. he asked me to hold on to him tighter if i felt cold..
clinged on to him throughout the whole movie, and i was thinking.. i knew myself too well. i knew that if one day he decides to leave me, i'll not be able to take it.. the more i tot about it, the tighter i held on to him.. like as if once the movie was over, it's over for us too. perhaps im thinking too much. but i hav this feeling that the day is comng soon. well. i'll have to let go once the day comes. isnt it..? how i wish i nv knew how he felt.. at least i could still feel that im the happiest person on earth.. for as long as he's here.. well. enough abt that.
the movie was ok.. not as nice as i expected it to be.. well.. left jubilee and he wanted to eat sth.. so we walked ard amk.. to find food. as a result, we missed the last bus to my hse.. he still had a bus home but he insisted on sending me home first.. so he had to walk home after sending me. kinda had a lil disagreement on the way.. he kinda shouted at me =( but well he said sorry after tt.. so.. let it be. i was so damn tired.. cuz i didnt wanna take cab.. so we had to walk to my place.. he wanted to piggyback me. but i didnt wan to.. so i walked. hahas.
gonna meet elin later to go shop for sth.. theres the chalet derrick's mum organised tml.. he still haven replied me if he's going.. well..
yawns.. i just woke up at around 7pm.. hahaha.. but qiujin's sister's phone call. lol.s im like a map to her now. shes asking me how to get to ecp.
woke up at 5.30am this morning.. woke up suddenly and realised that i should be up to wash up and go out.. was on the phone with him last night.. and agreed to go to his house this morning at 6.30am... afterwhich go for breakfast and go band.. reached the void deck of his block at around 6.20am.. he came down and said that cannot go up.. lols.. nvm lor.. dun go la. hahha. walked to the bus stop.. took 315 back to serangoon.. reached at ard 7am.. went to have breakfast at the coffeeshop. he's such a pig. -__-!! ate noodles just like me, but he ate another 3 buns. no wonder he's so fat. hehes. cannot let him see this. he will kill me. haha. jkjk~
saw daddy and jumped in his car for a ride to school. =) ming kai was rather reluctant.. but gave way after a while. hahas. anyway.. we played American Patrol and Pink Panther today. =) i love American Patrol. though i dun have much melody parts, but it's fun!! rather challenging. hehes. ended practice at around 12.. next practice will be after christmas.. =) i didnt really realised tt xmas is coming soon. haha. still wondering y there's no practice on monday. hahahaha. anyway.. it's like almost the whole band thinks that we r together when we r not. -_-! they were disturbing me.. saying ming kai was waiting for me.. cuz i was walking so slowly at the back. haha. im old. =)
he came over for a while and left cuz he needs to attend some dragon boat thingy.. i waited for cristabel to come over.. and told huimei that im too tired to go out.. lols.. so i stayed home to slp. im sucha pig =) hehehes.
as for him..
i don't expect anything from you, because i know it's not possible. i know that the feeling will fade in no time. it's not possible to control ur feelings.. so when it fades, i'll just have to say good bye to u. but u'll still be the 'brother' i once acknowledge.. =) i know u can't promise me anything, and i dun wanna hear any empty promises.. when the day ur feelings for me fade, just let me know.. i dun wanna be a fool and not know anything.. i'll not hate u.. to me, u'll still be the one i loved two years ago.. unchanged. no matter wad u told me abt urself, saying that u're not a good guy.. u're still the perfect one in my eyes.. i was really happy when u told me that sentence.. the words i've waited to hear for two long years.. but for now, im happy enough. even though theres no relation between us..
just woke up at around 12pm. haha. though i slept early last night. i went to bed at around 1am? i couldnt rmb. hehes.
went for band practice ytd.. met him at the beancurd shop for breakfast and walked to school together. he was feeling so nervous. lol. wanted to go home on the way. haha. did basics for practice and played American Patrol, of cuz at a slower speed. hehe. had to stop practice at about 10.30am cuz miss lee needed to speak to the members. the sec ones and him went for sectional.. haha.. i walked ard kpo-ing. lalala. went upstairs to ask him sth and he asked me to accompany him for sectional. -_-! im not a sax player how to accompany. siao.
the members had some discussion to do and he joined lin mei's group. i walked away cuz they were disturbing me and ming kai. -_-! after tt he smsed me to ask if i wanna leave already.. so we decided to go for lunch. lol. two of actually supposed to go for lunch alone.. but since the 'kids' wanted to go we couldnt do anything. haha. so we went to S11 for the noodles. and it totally sucks. -_-! so er xin. i only ate a mouthful and i gave the rest to mandl. haha. he kinda whispered to me and ask if i wanna go out, of cuz when the kids weren't looking. haha.
i tried to shake them off at the interchange. but couldnt. so in the end i left them to ming kai and walked off. haha! lalala..he came over to my house when i sms him saying why should we bother abt them? it's not like we're doing anything. lol. he borrowed a towel cuz he wanted to wash his hair. dad came home and he hid at the kitchen and didnt dare to come out. i went to the kitchen to 'find' him. he was hiding near the fridge and looked damn scared. left the house to meet shirly at the interchange cuz she wanted to borrow $$$ -__-!!
watched the movie king kong.. and i forgot the movie is 3 hours long.. -_-!! so.. the two of us got stuck there for 3 hours. quite funny la certain parts. haha.
the datei'll remember. [1912o5]
after ytd, i realised that it's acutally quite impossible for us to be together. bcuz of one sentence he said. well.. take things as they come ba.
im off to huimei's house to meet her and vanni. we're going rollerblading! yay!! =)
just got home from band practice.. sir didnt come cuz he wasn't feeling well.. in the end we had to go for sectionals. and some ppl, whom i wouldn't name here, just simply laze ard, not doing anything. it's super irresponsible. the performance is tml, and they can actually say "i cannot make it on this bar"etc. if u noe that u can't make it, jolly well PRACTICE when u're given time to. why is it that others can make it while u can't? wads so special abt u?
band practice today was totally screwed up not cuz miss lee or mandl was the one conducting. it's cuz of those inconsiderate ppl who didnt practice and wanna try to get over with it. i admit tt i cant play certain songs well. for example American Patrol cuz we just got the scores today. and The Pink Panther i couldnt't play well too. SO? i sat at the stairs and practised by myself. unlike some ppl who just sat there, pretending.
i dun understnad y r some ppl so relaxed about tml's performance. of cuz im not saying that u should be nervous till the extent where u'll play wrong notes la. but at least... u need to feel the urge to practice. is it bcuz we r combining with bukitview tml? and they think that theres bukitview to back us up? true that bukitview is stronger than us. and im glad that we have them with us tml. but do they want the audience to feel that we, Peicai band is hiding among the bukit view players?
im quite tired. of this KINDA ppl. going out for movie with ming kai later.. it's like the movie is at 9pm and he sounds as if he wanna meet now.. -_-! im so tired. need to take a bath to freshen up. i still haven got my mickey shirt.. =(( and oh ya, gotta iron my clothes for tml later. ah!! im so drained.. -_-!!
gotta go bathe now.. he's coming over sooN.. yawns.
was thinking of closing this blog actually... cuz i no longer wanna blog about my feelings anymore.. i dun need ppl to tell me wad to do.. it's my life... so just let me be. i understand that sometimes my frens advise me alot cuz they dun wanna see me get hurt. but sometimes it gets rather annoying when i actually feel that they r demanding me wad to do. im not pin pointing anyone. it's not just my frens. i dun wanna feel controlled. perhaps i'll make this blog private. where only my close frens could read it.
perhaps i'll just blog abt my life. but nth much abt him.
ytd was band camp.. things were quite messy.. but.. their planning wasnt detailed enough. some seniors may feel that ytd was great, but i tot nth much of it. well. walked bel to the interchange last night, i had no mood to go for supper with sir though he went. i realised he was in the car when kelly told me. well, i didnt felt like going. i jus wanna be alone. i had to think. bel asked me if i had a lost feeling. when the car just 'swept' past. i didnt feel much. yeah.
was feeling rather down ytd, cuz of many things. i just knew that i had to be alone, i felt like crying out loud, but yet i couldnt. sat at the interchange for a while after bel left. tears started to flow down, and i couldnt control it. i looked like a idiot sitting there, crying as if the end of the world had arrived. got on dad's car and he noticed that i wasnt myself. and he asked me if i was alright. it was rather dark so he couldnt see that i had been crying earlier on. just told him that i was hungry and tired. and i guess that fooled him. but the moment i tot abt those things, i just felt damn depressed. bel sms me after she left, saying that i had to put a stop to all these, and i had to let him know how i feel. she says it's too painful for me to endure all these on my own. i dun wanna tell him. i no longer have the courage to tell him. especially after being rejected twice. each time i found the courage to tell him how i feel, the result will be me, being rejected, and this time round i really hav no strength to tel him. i was thinking, last year, how the hell did i manage to find the courage to tell him. i didnt wanna tell him, cuz i can't go thru another round of 'cold war'. i can't bear to think that after i 've told him, he would avoid me as if im a virus.
he told me the other day that he dun wanna go into another relationship so soon. as if i want to. yawns.
we didnt talk last night at camp, he just smiled at me and i smiled back. i didnt noe wad to tell him. there's so many ppl ard, and i tot that it will be weird to talk to him. tongues might just start wagging behind our backs. he smsed me when sir's car passed by me and tot tt i wanted to go home. i told him i didnt wan to. and he asked me to go find them at s'goon gardens. i didnt wan to. but after tt i went to chomp chomp with my family and he asked me to go home with him. i couldnt. well..
he said that we r so close already and it doesnt matter if i ask him to go shopping with me.. yeah right... so far i always see guys who r reluctant to go shopping with girls. cuz we girls can shop and shop and they will get bored.
went shopping with van just now, for our performane on sunday.. and i spent almost $100.. now i need a pair of shoes. if i cant find, i'll just have to wear my heels from prom. yawns. meeting with van my cousin tml.. go shop for a pair of sandals and heels. =)
and oh ya, did i mention that i had the EAGLES award thingy? yeah i got that. but it's only like $150 la. for my service to band committee. =)
i'll stop here for now. im tired.. yawns.
a long and tiring day... yawns... practice wasn't that smooth.. repeating all the mistakes... sian.. it's no surprise that sir will be fed up. sian.
just got home not too long ago.. sat at the bus stop with huimei for a while to talk.. after tt we walked home.. it's kinda.. lifeless i know. but i have no choice.. helped him borrowed a set of uniform.. just in case he thinks he can make it for this sunday's performance. yup. if he's not performing, i doubt he'll come support us.. well.. he's been accompanying me for the past two weekends.. so if i dun see him this weekend it doesnt matter. hehes.
wed will be the band camp.. i'll be collecting the cake on huimei's behalf, since she has no time.. im too free. he said he will meet me and we'll go to the bbq together. -__-! y do i feel that he keeps wanting to let ppl see us together. -_-! like ytd, he insisted on walking that way cuz he says theres more ppl here. yeah wadever. im drained for today. im skipping dinner.
meeting vanessa[maisy] tml.. she's got a job intro for both of us.. hopefully both of us can get it then can go work together. that will be fun. i've nv worked b4!! i wanna experience wad it's like. hehes. just for the fun of it. now the pay doesnt really bother me much anymore.. since i just wanna have a try. =) lalala. that place.. i guess there wun be high chance of running into my friends =Pp it will be weird la.. hahaha.. well. better than jasmine right.. ask me go to the PS everbest shoe shop to work. -_-! lalala..
im kinda sick of telling ppl that me and him ARE NOT together. ppl always ask, and i always have to explain that we're only frens. -_-!
joanna's got a job.. so fast. lols. gonna find one day go shopping with her. she wanna get the shoes like mine. and i wanna get my juniors some presents. =pPp gott wait for her to get her schedule. yup..
he's rather persistant.. in wanting to perform.. huimei says she can't catch up.. but im afraid he can't, cuz he stopped playing like a year ago? and never touched music since then. yawns. just called, saying he's not gonna perform liao. wth... i took the uniform for nth. fat pig. -_-!
looking forward to this coming wed, hoping that we will be better when combined with bt view. sometimes i feel tt the band is not doing well, perhaps they have the concept tt it's just a practice. and perhaps will give their best shot in front of outsiders. i hope my hunch is right. where is that miracle when we needed it so much? we're progressing too slowly, even myself. sir asked me to play alone today, and i thought he's gonna criticise my playing again.. but he told them to play like me. haha. how rare. lalala..
yawns. was talking to ming kai just now. so i've been blogging for an hour. wth. he's on his way home.. so pei him talk lor. yup. i gotta go bathe now. wahahaha. =)